Big Game Hunters Guide to Conservatives and Liberals.

When venturing out into the hostile wilderness of politics seeking a prize for your mantle it is good to know as much as possible about your game.

Conservatives are elusive game. The problem is that they come in three different types. Quite distinct and with different values as trophies.

The first type of conservative to be found on the veldts of D.C. is known as the Business Conservative. The only thing conservative about this creature is it’s suit and home life. Essentially these beasts are of the jackal family existing only to prey on the weak and the old. Much of government regulation is made to deal with the rampages of these beasts. They are hard to winnow out though from other stripes of Conservative as they take on protective coloring to hide their bloodthirsty tendencies. The most notable of this degenerate breed is known as Bernie Madoff.

The Business Conservative is a dragline to progress wherever he or she, is found. On the other hand the very excesses of this breed of scavengers has provoked many laws dealing with things as diverse as child labor and general workplace safety.

Another breed of Conservative is known as the Jesus Freak. This one is also hard to identify with certainty as the B.C. most often disguises himself as one. A number of True Conservatives also can be mistaken for this breed at first glance but will show its true colors with study.

The true Jesus Freak is essentially a theocracy believing heretic of the Christian religion. Their supposed savior and teacher Jesus taught in unequivocal terms several lessons that these critters chose to ignore while striving to create a heretical government in His very name.

The first of these lessons is that prayer in public, especially for a SOCIAL purpose is anathema. The only true prayer to God according to their prophet is in private and just between the Christian and God. He goes on to disapprove the person who prays in order to be SEEN to pray, for social status . Yet we find that “pious” public prayer by individuals and groups is the hallmark of the J.F.!

The Teacher the J.F’s claim also taught that his followers were not supposed to seek a civil government based on His teachings. They were to hold their relationship with God in their hearts, not base the machinery of government on it. This too the J.F. ignores blithely. Many believe the J.F.s to be degenerate Christians while others feel they are more like the B.C.s, a wholly alien breed hiding amongst the real Christians.

The last main species of Conservative is what we choose to all the True Conservative. This is a self reliant individual who has no more desire to interfere with others private affairs than they desire others to interfere in their own. The often are Christian or Jewish but need not be religious at all to follow their herd. In fact they do not tend to homogenous herds but are salted amongst the other breeds of Conservative and even in non-Conservative herding grounds. They tend to be generous but slow to true friendship. Once made however this connection will bear great strain. The True Conservative can be your best friend in times of trouble and won’t trouble you in good times.

The T.C. is a hardy breed that will often be found on the frontiers of society hewing a new path of their own in the wilderness unlike the other two who tend to huddle and herd in “safe” zones that do not challenge their assumptions.

Interestingly this huddling tendency is shared by some of the Liberal breeds as well.
The Liberal herds are much more amorphous compared to the Conservatives. They exist as more of a spectrum than a set of sub breeds. At the far right of this spectrum the Liberal blends imperceptibly into the Moderates and causes few problems. Indeed the Middle Left part of the Liberal herd has been responsible for most of the social “progress” the whole Human race has made.

From the middle of the Liberal herd to the very Left fringes however an strange disorder overtakes the herd. A disorder that is ultimately not usually fatal but always debilitating to not only the Liberal breeds but any others living in close proximity.

This disorder shows itself as a form of self hatred directed at the entire herd in reverse proportion to the herd’s own progress with the disorder. The most infected parts are not attacked at all while non-infected Liberals can be viciously mauled even worse than would a non-Liberal who wandered into their grounds.

The mindset of the Leftmost Liberals is a hard thing for an outsider to distinguish from a J.F.. Both breeds have an overwhelming desire to take their fantasies and impose them as law on all other breeds in the land and will mutilate and maul any who disagree with their “Truth” while claiming the highest moral ground. Both the L.L. and the J.F. seek a totalitarian, essentially fascist society that conforms to their ideal of a “Proper society”. Woe betide any who stand in the way of these subherds when they are on the move.

Please take note that this article only refers to the American breeds. Elsewhere the main breeds also exist but the J.F. can take a number of different forms based on different religions, some of which make the most vicious North American J.F. look like a tame kitten.

Please remember that the T.C. is currently on the endangered list and protected. Also, the law allows you to tag, photograph and release but culling the herds is something we must leave to natural processes.