Some days it is just too easy. I only believe in hanging people with the ropes they have made willingly themselves, from trees they have planted and nurtured with care. This happens a lot more often than you might think, but, it is not often that I get to watch someone hang themselves, and have it be funny as well!
Today on MuslimMatters.org I saw a headline that grabbed my attention immediately. No, it was not about an honor killing, nor was it about wife beating or raging mobs being needed to assuage the honor of a teddy bear; this time it was about beards.
Yes, Virginia, I said beards. It seems that not all Muslim women go for a tangle of food-encrusted weeds on the face of their lover; you just can’t figure women’s taste I guess.
The author of the following poem… well, I will just let him explain for himself; I certainly could not twist him a finer rope:
Beauty in the Beard
by Tushar Imdad-ul-Haque Bhuiya (12th March 2001)
I came to eat dinner in my halls of residence one day last year when two sisters started laughing at me; I had some food stuck in my beard. They went on to innocently and honestly mock my beard saying it was messy, unnatural and unhygienic. Little did they know the rage that I felt as a result of this and I channeled this rage by unleashing my
anger through my pen and out came this poem.
Well, I am glad he channeled his rage; I do question his being so thin skinned that "rage" is what he considers a proper response; the burdens of devoutness are many, guess hair-trigger rage is just the price you pay.
I performed this poem in the Leicester University/DMU Islamic Societies and Eid Celebration and it was received with much laughter and acclaim – Alhamdulillah. Due to popular demand and many requests I have decided to type my poem up and email it to my friends in Islam.
From the men, the women, both?
Glorified be He who beautifies women with long locks of hair
And Men with long beards
There is beauty in the beard
Aye, there is beauty in the beard!
When the lion roars all the animals submit
For the lion is the king of the jungle
The lion with its glorious mane
And a Muslim man grows his mane in pride
Showing the rest of humanity that he is to be respected
Can one imagine a lion without its mane?
Nay, thou canst not!
Then imagine a man without his beard
Frankly I find the idea of a man who needs a "mane" to feel "manly" or have "pride" as sad and silly as a woman who needs to hide behind seventeen different cosmetics to feel "female"!
Woe to worldly women who mock the beards so!
Desiring husbands with clean shaven faces
Woe to women who mock the Prophet’s Sunnah
In the name of hygiene, neatness and smooth texture
Indeed the women of this world cannot like the beard
But she who wants Paradise adores the beard!
I could not write better satire of the fundamentalist Muslim mind if I wanted! Allah forbid that hygiene be significant; oh, right, He already has.
A beard is a gift given to man
Something only he can grow; a woman never can!
Women do not grow facial hair? Not entirely true. Clinging to this as a sign of your manliness? Entirely sad.
When he ponders, he gently strokes it;
Don’t the psychologists have things to say about people who constantly stroke/touch their face for comfort/reassurance?
When he eats, it stores food;
When he is with kids, they play with it adoringly;
When he is with his wife, she fondles it lovingly;
When the enemy see it, fear is struck in their hearts!
Ah! there is indeed beauty in the beard!
Sarcasm overload; I have nothing to add!
All the Prophets had beards – yes they did!
Muhammad had a beard – so big! so big!
All the companions had beards – o yes! o yes!
All the sages had beards – I know! I know!
All the wise have beards – tis true! tis true!
All the pious have beards – you see! you see!
All the Muslims have beards?! – if only! if only!
My public giggling safeties tripped out three stanzas ago! Now, excuse me for a moment, I have to explain to the household the source of my semi-hysterics…
Who did not have beards? The kafirun!
Who had clean shaven faces? The kafirun!
Who grew their moustaches? The kafirun!
“And what did our Prophet order?” I hear you ask
He ordered us to lengthen the beard and trim the moustache!
Lengthen the beard and trim the moustache!
The source of a beard’s "holiness" is merely that it is "not what the Kafirun" (us, that is) do? OOOOkay, fine! Moving on…
What greater reason that this can there be
The fact that our Prophet told us to see
That we make ourselves appear to the world
As full bearded men with honour untold
O Muslim brother! Why do you desire to look like a woman
When your blessed facial hair is the difference between you and the opposite gender?
Try telling that to a Japanese martial artist, then run…
O poor Muslim brother! Why do you imitate the kafir
Instead of following the Prophet of Islam?
What were the words again; "hygiene, neatness and smooth texture"?
O silly Muslim sister! Why are you so blind?
Infatuated with Bollywood actors who have no mind!
Umm, my guess is they find them attractive…
O wretched sister! Are you not scared of your choice?
You would rather have a feminine monkey instead of an exalted manly ape!
Given the Qur’an’s words about Jews I will bet that this line produced some double takes in the audience!
So indeed I love my beard
And adore the curls and tangles
Which no oil, gel or superglue can ever straighten
My glorious long, curly, messy, fluffy beard!
The playhouse for kids;
And the beloved of Allah!
Beloved of Allah because it is not like the Kafirun!
I may be rejected by worldly women because of this hair on my face
But who cares! For my Mum loves it and she puts all such sisters to disgrace!
Be patient Muslim brothers, who shun the trendy look for a Prophetic pose
Paradise with the wide eyed Houris is our final abode!!!!!
The final joke: With no "kafirun" in paradise I expect the Houris will demand that the scruffy shave upon arrival!